Changes..

About a month ago, I made a decision for myself where matters of the heart are concerned. At that time, I was very much in love with someone who I had been dating since last summer.

There were many positive things about that relationship, with only a few negatives. The negatives were things related to life in general, so I didn’t consider them to be a big deal as far as out relationship went. In essence, the good far outweighed the bad. I am probably still in love with her, even now.

While I could get more granular with some of the minut details of why I made my decision, I feel that it is more important to write this out for myself as a reminder of the reasons that I made the choice to end things and it was for good reason- at the time.

Since that time, I’ve dealt with the hurt of loss of a friend and lover, the occasional anger of disappointment for having to make a decision that went against what I want in a relationship and the harshness of having to find my own footing again in an effort to rediscover yet another path where for some time “we” had been discussing a bigger change in bringing ourselves closer together to make a more cohesive family unit for ourselves and our respective children.

There was an event that occurred. The fallout from that made it necessary for me to stand my ground for myself based on how she reacted to it. I felt like I was asking for help, and being punished for asking for help. In essence, I asked my partner for help and got it bitten pretty badly.

This isn’t anything that I could change for her and I don’t hold it against her at this point.  Yet it is undeniable that what was said to me was so… inadvertently hurtful, that I felt wronged for having it thrust upon me at the time that it was. So, I made my choice and stood my ground. 

Regardless, how she reacted is just who she is/was, and the dynamic that came from that situation was cause for questioning myself in ways that I shouldn’t have to question when all I wanted to give was support, compassion, trust, love and understanding to her- in exchange for the same thing at a time when I really needed compassion and trust to be given back.

Could I have overreacted to her reaction of the event?

Maybe. Maybe not. 

Did she overreact to how I was reacting to the event?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Now, I’m sitting on the front steps of the house that she and I were going to be living together in for a short time, before a series of larger steps would be taking place for “us” and for our children.

The path that we were outlining as a couple has, for all intents and purposes, ended.The upheaval of plans that I’d been pontificating for months with her about the “we” that no longer exists, has given way to the realization that I do question if I made a good choice- but I also question that doubt within myself at the same time for what I’ve outlined above.

Flux.

It is what it is, I guess.

I very much miss the friend I had in her. And, I do still love her for who she was in my life. I offer her no ill-will and hope she succeeds. Truly. My mailbox, phone and email are always open to her. My heart is as well.

Perhaps that point in time would’ve been a moment to get some sort of counseling to help us through the perceived difficulty and given us a path to work on communication styles in a healthier manner in the future. I don’t know. It seems trivial now. I wish things were different. We did have a good relationship as it had a solid friendship in it.

How we view human nature can mean the difference between living in a world filled with people who are perceived as hostile, violent and dangerous, or as essentially kind, helpful and gentle. A deep awareness of the essential goodness of human beings can give us courage and hope.

Dalai Lama

I don’t think either of us said anything beyond our last actual conversation that was overly harsh or cause for disrepair of communication at all. Time will tell, I suppose.

On the upside, I do have a new space for my son and I to live in. It is close to my old house, nicer than my old house, closer to good friends, good schools and neighbors that I have gotten to know over the past year through my ex and also through my friends just a few houses down. It won’t be the same here without her- but maybe that’s the point.

Time to get back to moving things into the new-to-me house and prepare for finding a new path once again.