Typically, when a person or family moves into a new home, the opportunity to start anew becomes a part of the process of the daily in and out of life.
Over the course of the past few days, while I work to remove old things from my life and to create a fresh sense of balance, I have observed some things about the house that I am moving to that evoke a range of emotions that I hadn’t expected to feel where my ex is concerned.
One thing in particular is the behavior within myself where I find it very difficult to enter into her old bedroom.
In some ways, that was to be expected, but at times I find it almost stifling. However, I am grateful that I will not be using that bedroom as my own because my child chose that room for himself. The other bedroom, now my bedroom, has more closet space and seems to be lower light- both things I like in a bedroom space… Because sleeping.
As I bring things into the house and find a resting spot for them, or think about where the best place will be for them, I am continually struck with little flashbacks of what-used-to-be in the space and find it curious how the same colors and even some of the same shapes are finding their way into those spaces. I suppose that Leslie and I worked similarly in the way of color and shape placement where feng shui bagua is concerned.
Then, there are other areas of the home that I find to be truly puzzling as to why furniture arrangements were done a certain way while she lived here. In some places, as memory serves, it seems that her chosen spot for something was literally the exact opposite of what the bagua charts would call for. In her defense, she probably had her reasons and I’m not faulting her in any way for her choices. In retrospect, that was a little quirk about her whick likely made her adorable in my eyes.
For example, the placement of furniture in her old living room, now my new living room, is almost set up in the exact opposite manner.
All the furniture in the living room while she lived here was against a wall, leaving the middle of the room mostly open- something that I can understand a lot of levels, but questioned often. Again, I’m sure she had her reasons and I’m not challenging them, or suggesting anything negative at all. It is common practice to put things against the walls. Hell- I helped move her furniture at one point, but wasn’t satisfied with my own changes- even though I knew I could still make it feel better with a little more work.
Regardless, my approach to this main living room is to use the furniture to create specific points of focus and a sense of intentional use for that area.
Upon opening the front door, one is now greeted with a sofa and chairs- as a gesture of comfort and welcome. It is placed in the center of the room, allowing two paths to walk on either side into the dining area.
Looking from the kitchen towards the front door, it is easier to see the majority of the main room’s layout as seen above.
The kitchen area is pretty simple, really. I’ve decided to keep the old pantry door off of the shelf it once housed for quick and easy access to spices and cooking stuff. I think that was a practical and smart move that Leslie made. The same color red in the same area that she had it, with the addition of more red in the rear-west corner- with square and rectangular shapes.
All-in-all, the new house is a *much* welcome change over the last house. The flow of the house and the ease of getting around in this neighborhood are noticeable already.
Though the timing of my moving into this house was delayed by personal stuff between Leslie and myself, it does feel good to be here even though my friend in her isn’t here. I do find myself wishing that I could reach out to her, but right now the only thing that either of us actually needs from one another is time and space away from what we were.
My decision to move in here was a good one for many reasons, and most importantly for my relationship with my son. But, I won’t deny the hurt from losing a relationship that worked well in so many ways. Still, I know that with time, that feeling will pass. Yet, right now… The feeling is there and I miss my friend.
I do hope that her adventures in moving into a home that we were going to share aren’t filled with little bites of my presence and my son’s presence not being there.
With that, I should probably stop stalling and get off my butt and start my day. It’s going to be a long one, I think.